he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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