How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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