I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize