i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize