sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
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why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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