at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So I just went to clothing optional bar
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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