Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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