Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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