I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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