and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
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The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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