u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
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So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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