I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
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he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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