she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
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Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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