My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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