You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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