so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
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I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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