Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
