wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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