Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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