why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
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Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize