i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
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Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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