HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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