Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
