I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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