the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
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After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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