tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
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Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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