i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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