i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
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Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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