Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize