Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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