Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize