my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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