You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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