maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
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I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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