I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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