You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My liver just had a heart attack.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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