i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
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Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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