we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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