a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
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New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize