dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
