But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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