i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
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Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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