I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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