remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm both gender and math confused
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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