you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
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I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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