I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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