As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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