Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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