I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
