the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
